Photo Therapy
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. - Philippians 4:13
After you were born, your skin was pretty yellow. You had Jaundice. The doctors waited a day to see if your billiruben levels would go down on their own. [Billiruben is the chemical in your body that makes your skin look yellow.] They said if it didn't go down on its own, you would have to be put in a light box.
Well the levels didn't go down on their own. I was so scared, baby. Even though it is very common, no mother wants to see her precious baby in a lit up incubator! Daddy and I were so sad. At first they said they would keep you in the nursery in the light box. I told them no. I didn't want you to be kept from me. So they set the box up in our room there at the hospital. There were a bunch of blue lights and even a light blanket you had to lay on. As I watched them set it all up, my heart raced. I just wasn't ready yet.
Before you went into the box, they explained some things while I held you as close and as long as they would let me. They told me I could only get you out to feed you, and I had to change you in the incubator if I could. If not, I had to change you when you ate before I put you back in. When I fed you, I could only keep you out of that UV bed for no longer than 30 minutes! Thirty minutes seems like a long time to hold a baby, but not when I only had thirty minutes every few hours to hold my precious you. No amount of time holding you is ever enough Kayden! And when you were so new, it made things even harder! Even though I knew I would be able to hold you soon again, I didn't think I could go through something so heartwrenching. Then they told me during the photo therapy you could only wear a diaper.
It was time to put you under the artificial sun. My heart felt as though it might stop right then as I began to take your tiny arms out of that tiny little shirt. I kissed your sweet head. I layed you against my chest, letting your touch mend and calm my racing mind. The nurse opened the door on the side and stepped away to let me slide you into the incubator. Daddy helped me close the latches and then all there was left for us to do was wait. Then next morning they would poke your tiny little foot and test the levels.
Wait we did. The first night was terrible, Kayd. I stared at you for hours as tears flowed constantly like someone had turned on the faucet to my heart. It was breaking. I just wanted to get you out and snuggle you. When I prayed to God, I was mad at first, tellling him this wasn't fair. But fair isn't what matters my boy. God gives us trials we may think we cannot handle, but the point is to trust in him. Even when you think you just can't do it, even when you think it isn't fair. Trust in God, Kayden. We can do anything with God on our side, peanut!
On the second day, while they had taken you to the nursery to wait on the doctor to do your blood test, I stood outside the window hands plastered to the glass and cried for you. There were too many dividers between me, a new mother, and you: my son. Never again do I want to be forced to be that distanced from you honey. As you grown into a young boy, and eventually a young man, I will do what it takes to keep our bond as strong as it is today. We have had an unbreakable bond since the day you were born and I will go through whatever need-be to keep you close! We will go through many more tribulations and times apart, but you will always be a part of me sweet boy. And just like the days you were in photo therapy, we will get through with the help of our Savior!
Well the levels didn't go down on their own. I was so scared, baby. Even though it is very common, no mother wants to see her precious baby in a lit up incubator! Daddy and I were so sad. At first they said they would keep you in the nursery in the light box. I told them no. I didn't want you to be kept from me. So they set the box up in our room there at the hospital. There were a bunch of blue lights and even a light blanket you had to lay on. As I watched them set it all up, my heart raced. I just wasn't ready yet.
Before you went into the box, they explained some things while I held you as close and as long as they would let me. They told me I could only get you out to feed you, and I had to change you in the incubator if I could. If not, I had to change you when you ate before I put you back in. When I fed you, I could only keep you out of that UV bed for no longer than 30 minutes! Thirty minutes seems like a long time to hold a baby, but not when I only had thirty minutes every few hours to hold my precious you. No amount of time holding you is ever enough Kayden! And when you were so new, it made things even harder! Even though I knew I would be able to hold you soon again, I didn't think I could go through something so heartwrenching. Then they told me during the photo therapy you could only wear a diaper.
It was time to put you under the artificial sun. My heart felt as though it might stop right then as I began to take your tiny arms out of that tiny little shirt. I kissed your sweet head. I layed you against my chest, letting your touch mend and calm my racing mind. The nurse opened the door on the side and stepped away to let me slide you into the incubator. Daddy helped me close the latches and then all there was left for us to do was wait. Then next morning they would poke your tiny little foot and test the levels.
Wait we did. The first night was terrible, Kayd. I stared at you for hours as tears flowed constantly like someone had turned on the faucet to my heart. It was breaking. I just wanted to get you out and snuggle you. When I prayed to God, I was mad at first, tellling him this wasn't fair. But fair isn't what matters my boy. God gives us trials we may think we cannot handle, but the point is to trust in him. Even when you think you just can't do it, even when you think it isn't fair. Trust in God, Kayden. We can do anything with God on our side, peanut!
On the second day, while they had taken you to the nursery to wait on the doctor to do your blood test, I stood outside the window hands plastered to the glass and cried for you. There were too many dividers between me, a new mother, and you: my son. Never again do I want to be forced to be that distanced from you honey. As you grown into a young boy, and eventually a young man, I will do what it takes to keep our bond as strong as it is today. We have had an unbreakable bond since the day you were born and I will go through whatever need-be to keep you close! We will go through many more tribulations and times apart, but you will always be a part of me sweet boy. And just like the days you were in photo therapy, we will get through with the help of our Savior!
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| I hated those little goggles. But I still kept them as a keepsake. They are a symbol of the first time I realized your health was in GOD'S HANDS. There was nothing I could do. My heart broke more than it ever has in my life that day. |
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| My hands were through those arm holes on the side of the incubator as much as possible holding your sweet hand <3 |
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